Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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