all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
