She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
