I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
