This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
