just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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