I think my vagina is haunted
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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