Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
