You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
