I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
