I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
