The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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