no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
