just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The uberlube is also flammable
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
