my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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