I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The air was thick with penises
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
