she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
