absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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