How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
