Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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