bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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