FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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