she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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