When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
