just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
