did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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