Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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