I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
