There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
