JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
