My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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