Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
