Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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