two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
