when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
