I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
