Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
