I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
