If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
