booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Randomize
