forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
