Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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