Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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