Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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