It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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