Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
