He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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