Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
