Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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