The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
