Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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