It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
