I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
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You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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