Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
