is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
