what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
